ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
