in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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