After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
