Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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