Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
