Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
