as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
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She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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