Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
