Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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