I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
