i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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