Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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