I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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