You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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