don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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