If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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