I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
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I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
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PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT