one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The power of my boobs compel you
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
