you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
