i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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