What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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