a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
