Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
