i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
