A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
