I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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