Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
