mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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