like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
