I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
