When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
