Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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