So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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