you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
