Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
