yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
