Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
