We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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