i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
