Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
