I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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