I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
