Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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