Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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