Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
