Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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