I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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