My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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