I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
