Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
