Will you blow on my dice?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
