Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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