Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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