In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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