i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
