I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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