I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
