Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
