mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
