There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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